Thanksgiving is a special time when we take a break from our hectic lives and make things even more hectic by trying to cook a four course meal, while pleasing family members and fighting holiday travel. It is a time to rediscover why, despite loving our family dearly, we are thankful we don’t live with them. It is also a time of honored traditions and to understand that for generations before you, going all the way back to the Pilgrims, half the family is going to be on your case for overcooking the turkey and half will be warning you against the evils of salmonella.
Unfortunately, when it comes to better taste or dying of deadly bacteria, usually the salmonella faction of the family wins out which is why most of our turkeys are reduced to 15-pounds lumps of coal with gravy. We are not sure what the statistics are, but Aunt Pam makes it sound like it is just slightly less than the Black Plague of Europe that perish every year because of undercook meat. Unless you actually set the turkey on fire, Aunt Pam is never happy which reminds us that going to go see the Hunger Game’s Catching Fire and eating Thanksgiving popcorn seems like a suitable alternative to the day’s festivities.
Of course, if you think that having a relaxing movie day just isn’t right on Thanksgiving, consider some of the highlights that you would miss - There are always several family members that want to know why you didn’t put a duck in the middle of your turkey, how come you are not risking death by deep frying the turkey and those that want to make sure you brined the turkey for six hours in some mixture of lavender, rosemary and salt (isn’t this a spa treatment?). If all that wasn’t enough, then there is that one family member that is now a gluten-free vegan that is uncomfortable eating turkey because it is a living organism, just like Greek Yogurt or our gym socks. The solution, unfortunately, is we bring in the “Tofu Turkey” which is basically like Styrofoam packing material except that if you butter it, season it and bake it, you can also use it for tile grout.
After the cavalcade of food, it is then time for the next tradition which involves parking our bloated, carbohydrate-infused bodies on the couch to watch a bad Dallas Cowboy match up while gravy oozes from our pores. This will go on until someone realizes that while the Pilgrims had to wait three days for Black Friday sales, through the advent of technology and greed, we are blessed with the ability to start shopping that night. This means that just when we were getting comfortable sitting motionless on the couch in a tryptophan-stupor getting ready for the Pittsburg Steelers, we will now have to leave early to go by Macy’s where thousands of other post-turkey stressed, mash potato-laden, spouse-nagged shoppers will be fighting for an extra 10% of on a bath robe.
All this makes the Catching Fire option just sound better and better. No matter what you do – Have a Happy Thanksgiving and we will get back to more important banking topics next week.
Submitted by Chris Nichols on November 26, 2013